by: James D. Anderson
Self Defense: A Necessity for Women
Whoever thought that the world would become a better place in due time and with technological advancements and modernization was wrong. The world is still as hostile a place, and the only thing that has changed is the weapons. Crime has become more sophisticated in nature but the sad part is that women are still considered as soft targets.
Crime on women has in fact, increased over the years in developed countries like the US and UK and across the world. Let us first take a look at the worldwide statistics for crime on women:
• 1 in every 3 women across the world has been subjugated to rape or sexual assault. (Data: 2001)
• In some developing countries, at least one-third of the adolescent girls have been forced into sexual initiation (Data: 2002)
• Sex crimes in South Africa take place every twenty seconds. (Data: 2000)
• Major incidents of rapes have been reported in 12 African provinces. The rate has increased considerably from 182 in 2001 to 270 in 2002.
• 14,000 of the 331,815 reported crimes committed against women in the Russian Federation were rapes.
• According to a survey in the United Kingdom it was found that 19.4 % of the women there have been victims of some kind of sexual violence. (Data: 2001)
• 40% of girls in South East Asia are being forced into prostitution as a means to feed their families.
Now let’s take a look at the US
• One of the startling facts is that 1 in 3 American women are sexually assaulted in their lifetime.
• 89% of sexual crimes have been committed by someone known to the victim.
• In 2002, there were 247,730 victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.
• In 2005-2006, there were 232,010 victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.
• Around 44% of rape victims are under age 18, while 80% are under age 30.
Sources (2005)
1. The World Bank. http://www.worldbank.org
2. “International Statistics.” http://www.sexualassault.virginia.edu/statistics_international.htm
3. United Nations Development Fund for Women. “Facts and Figures: Sexual Violence in Non-Conflict Situations.” http://www.unifem.org/campaigns/november25/facts_figures_3.php
4. The World Health Organization. “Sexual Violence Facts.” http://www.who.int/violence_injury_prevention
5. United Nations Development Fund for Women. “Stop Violence against Women: Prevalence of Sexual Assault.” http://www.stopvaw.org/PrevalenceofSexualAssault.html or http://www.unifem.org
6. National Center for Victims of Crime (2004)
7. NSVRC. “Global perspectives on Sexual
In such an insecure world, it is far more difficult for a woman to survive as compared to their male counterpart. But all is not lost because there are several methods or weapons that a woman can use to thwart an assaulter. One of the most powerful and popular weapons is the pepper spray, which has a far-reaching effect. The motive behind using pepper sprays as opposed to lethal weapons like Guns is that pepper sprays or Tasers will not kill the assaulter or anyone trying to commit crime on a woman but at the same time, these weapons are extremely effective and can save a woman’s life and dignity.
The different types of crimes on women include:
• Carjacking
• Rape
• Murder & Theft
• Theft
• Sexual abuse
• Domestic violence
• Purse snatching
• Stalking
• Threats
• Property crimes
• Sexual harassment in the office
Of all these crimes, rape, sexual abuse, sexual harassment in office premises and stalking has a higher rate than other crimes. In such a crime, a woman can use a pepper spray, Taser or martial art techniques for self defense.
The Pepper Spray
The Pepper spray is also called an OC spray, where OC stands for Oleoresin Capsicum. It is basically a powerful lachrymatory agent, a chemical compound that can cause severe irritation in the eyes and ears and even lead to temporary blindness and severe pain. The pepper spray is used the world over by women to protect them against any anti-social element and have considerably brought down the number of sexual molestation and rape in many countries.
The Pepper spray can be used for various purposes like controlling a mob, controlling riot and even as a weapon of self-defense against animals like bears, wolves, and dogs. It is completely non-lethal although it can be deadly if not used in small quantities. In 1995, the American Civil Liberties Union had documented 14 cases of pepper spray use that turned fatal. If you spray an entire can of Pepper Spray into someone’s eyes then in all probability the subject will go permanently blind.
The primary ingredient in Pepper spray is called capsaicin. Capsaicin is a chemical compound that can be derived from the fruits of a special plant belonging to the Capsicum genus and chillies. There are several different types of Pepper spray in use like Mace Pepper Sprays, Wildfire Pepper Spray, Lipstick Pepper Spray, and a specific version called the PAVA Pepper Spray. The PAVA Pepper Spray has capsaicin, pelargonic acid vanillylamide or desmethyldihydrocapsaicin and it is extensively used in England. A synthetic counterpart of the pepper spray is called the pelargonic acid morpholide. This was developed in Russia and is widely used there.
Pepper sprays are available in canisters and are considered to be an inflammatory. The moment you use pepper spray on a subject, it will cause severe irritation in the eyes and closing of the eye. Some of the other symptoms include a running nose, difficulty in breathing, and coughing apart from the tears. The duration of a Pepper spray effect actually depends on the amount of spray you have used but on an average it can last from anywhere between thirty minutes to an hour.
Here are some important tips:
1. When you are carrying a can of pepper spray in your hand, your thumb should be on the top of your trigger.
2. If your attacker comes too close too you then back up a little so that you are in a better position to use the spray.
3. Use a good amount of spray so that the chilli pepper can do its job as quickly as possible.
4. While the attacker is in pain and temporarily blind, you should try to get out of there as fast as you can.
TASER C2
One of the best self-defense weapons is a stun gun like the Taser C2. There are several benefits of owning or using a Taser C2 stun gun. It is handy and can be carried just about anywhere. It can be hid in the purse as it is of the size of a TV remote and can be used anywhere, anytime. It can be easily found over the internet and costs around $300.
The Taser C2 delivers a charge or electric current the moment it comes into direct contact with the attacker or the subject in question. The Taser C2 has a range of 15 feet and it can pierce through 2 inches of clothing. The range will help any woman to prepare and defend herself well in advance.
The Taser C2 is an electronically controlled device or ECD. The cartridge consists of two electrodes, which are propelled through the air with the help of two wires and compressed nitrogen. The electrodes pierce through the clothing and stick to the skin. Electrical pulses are transmitted through the wires to the electrodes and into the body of the attacker. The effect is stunning and the attacker will go into a shock. The effect will last long enough for you to flee from there or call for law enforcement agents. The Taser C2 can be fired to anywhere on the body and is non-lethal hence can be used extensively by women to thwart any attack.
Martial Arts
The last line of defense is Martial Arts, which combined with any of the above can prove to be a lethal combination. Martial Arts are not for everyone not because the training is difficult but because it is time consuming too. Martial art is considered to be a lethal force and you might end up killing your attacker. There are different types of martial art forms that can be learnt quickly like Judo, Karate, Taekwondo, and Tai Chi. Karate and Taekwondo are by far the most popular forms and can also cause severe injury to the attacker.
There are certain parts of the human body, which are prone to severe injuries like the face, forehead, neck, abdomen, and groin. You can hit a man or your attacker in the groin and the nose for maximum impact. The strongest weapons of a woman’s body include the head, elbow, and knees. Martial art will teach you to use these body parts effectively to disable or wound your opponent temporarily. A hit with the elbow to the nose will not only stun them but also give you enough time to get away.
The only drawback of Martial arts is that it is effective only in close combat situations but if your subject is fleeing away or is at a distance then the Taser and the Pepper Spray can prove to be highly effective.
Additional information regarding Pepper Sprays and the Taser C2 can be found at http://www.stungunsupply.com
Sabtu, 23 Agustus 2008
Skin Care Moisturizer Cream Can Keep Your Skin Smooth and Supple
by: Sylvie Bordeaux
They say beauty is only skin deep, but only a woman knows just how true that is. You can be the prettiest thing in the room, but wrinkled, sun damaged skin can certainly bring your appearance down several notches. Skin care moisturizer cream is just the thing you need to help prevent new wrinkles, reduce the appearance of the wrinkles you have, and help heal sun damaged skin. Whether you struggle with dry skin, combination skin, oily skin, acne, or some other type of skin condition, there is a moisturizer that is made just for you. The only challenge is finding the right moisturizer for you and knowing what to look for. It’s all about getting the details right -- what types of moisturizer are best for you and how often to apply them. Luckily for you, we’ve got the scoop on the best moisturizers for your needs.
Water Based Moisturizers are a No-No
When purchasing moisturizer cream, many women simply do not stop and look at the ingredients. Often women are attracted to a pretty box or a pretty jar with a fancy sounding name without realizing that many of the moisturizers out there contain up to 40% water. Other women make the mistake of going with a water based moisturizer, thinking that water is the most natural moisturizer in the world and that it should do wonders for their skin. Strangely enough, that is not the case. Different all natural ingredients, like Aloe Vera, are better suited for a moisturizer for the face, especially for those looking for anti aging or anti wrinkle benefits. It may not seem like it but water based moisturizers are a recipe for disaster when it comes to dry skin. They dry out your skin even more as opposed to adding much needed moisture.
Consider the Benefits of Natural Aloe Vera
Aloe Vera based creams are different and for those who have only used water based products or for those looking for a change in their present moisturizing routine, this is the best and only alternative. A few of the skin care moisturizer cream products even contain essential fatty acids and other ingredients that actually imitate the natural actions and compositions of your skin. These special ingredients work wonders against drying and breakouts, and makes it easier for the ingredients to be absorbed into the skin. Aloe Vera itself is 100 percent natural, coming straight from the plant of the same name and is known for its healing benefits to damaged skin.
How Often is Too Often?
Depending on your skin and its makeup, you never know how much to moisturize until you figure out what is best for you. If you have normal skin, moisturizing once a day should be sufficient, but if you have dry skin or skin with a condition you may want to consider moisturizing twice daily -- once during the morning hours and once before bed.
Be sure to follow the directions that are specified on the back of moisturizer box or jar for best results and remember that not all moisturizers are created equal. Some of them have specific instructions and are designed to treat different skin conditions so be sure to read the label carefully. Some moisturizers have natural oils, vitamins, lipids, and other ingredients that are designed to smooth and beautify your skin. Be warned that chemicals have been added to other moisturizer creams and these should be strictly avoided.
How do you know which is the best skin care moisturizer cream for you? In all reality, there is no “one size fits all.” Everyone has a different type of skin and unfortunately there is a bit of trial and error that you must go through. You have to find out the hard way sometimes but often you can take shortcuts by getting recommendations from other women with skin similar to yours. Remember though that just because a particular product works for someone else does not necessarily mean that it will work for you. One thing you can be sure of though is that it is pretty hard to go wrong with an aloe vera based moisturizer. Aloe Vera can heal damaged skin, moisturize, and even provide some anti aging benefits as well. Plus it doesn’t dry out the skin like water based moisturizers do...and it should go without saying that dry skin is much more prone to wrinkles than hydrated, moisturized skin.
The benefits of Aloe Vera are endless and no matter what type of skin you have, you should be able to enjoy the benefits of this all natural ingredient that was discovered more than 3,500 years ago and that is still being used today. An Aloe Vera based moisturizer can help give you healthier, more beautiful skin no matter what kind of skin you have and no matter how much sun damage you have.
Be sure to read the label before buying any moisturizer cream and always, always, always demand an Aloe Vera based moisturizer.
Do you hate fine lines?
Do you hate wrinkles?
Do you hate sun spots?
Do you have old acne scars to get rid of?
Do you want to feel beautiful again?
An Aloe Vera based moisturizer cream just may be the way to go and due to its healing properties, Aloe Vera should be something you look for in any skin care moisturizer cream.
They say beauty is only skin deep, but only a woman knows just how true that is. You can be the prettiest thing in the room, but wrinkled, sun damaged skin can certainly bring your appearance down several notches. Skin care moisturizer cream is just the thing you need to help prevent new wrinkles, reduce the appearance of the wrinkles you have, and help heal sun damaged skin. Whether you struggle with dry skin, combination skin, oily skin, acne, or some other type of skin condition, there is a moisturizer that is made just for you. The only challenge is finding the right moisturizer for you and knowing what to look for. It’s all about getting the details right -- what types of moisturizer are best for you and how often to apply them. Luckily for you, we’ve got the scoop on the best moisturizers for your needs.
Water Based Moisturizers are a No-No
When purchasing moisturizer cream, many women simply do not stop and look at the ingredients. Often women are attracted to a pretty box or a pretty jar with a fancy sounding name without realizing that many of the moisturizers out there contain up to 40% water. Other women make the mistake of going with a water based moisturizer, thinking that water is the most natural moisturizer in the world and that it should do wonders for their skin. Strangely enough, that is not the case. Different all natural ingredients, like Aloe Vera, are better suited for a moisturizer for the face, especially for those looking for anti aging or anti wrinkle benefits. It may not seem like it but water based moisturizers are a recipe for disaster when it comes to dry skin. They dry out your skin even more as opposed to adding much needed moisture.
Consider the Benefits of Natural Aloe Vera
Aloe Vera based creams are different and for those who have only used water based products or for those looking for a change in their present moisturizing routine, this is the best and only alternative. A few of the skin care moisturizer cream products even contain essential fatty acids and other ingredients that actually imitate the natural actions and compositions of your skin. These special ingredients work wonders against drying and breakouts, and makes it easier for the ingredients to be absorbed into the skin. Aloe Vera itself is 100 percent natural, coming straight from the plant of the same name and is known for its healing benefits to damaged skin.
How Often is Too Often?
Depending on your skin and its makeup, you never know how much to moisturize until you figure out what is best for you. If you have normal skin, moisturizing once a day should be sufficient, but if you have dry skin or skin with a condition you may want to consider moisturizing twice daily -- once during the morning hours and once before bed.
Be sure to follow the directions that are specified on the back of moisturizer box or jar for best results and remember that not all moisturizers are created equal. Some of them have specific instructions and are designed to treat different skin conditions so be sure to read the label carefully. Some moisturizers have natural oils, vitamins, lipids, and other ingredients that are designed to smooth and beautify your skin. Be warned that chemicals have been added to other moisturizer creams and these should be strictly avoided.
How do you know which is the best skin care moisturizer cream for you? In all reality, there is no “one size fits all.” Everyone has a different type of skin and unfortunately there is a bit of trial and error that you must go through. You have to find out the hard way sometimes but often you can take shortcuts by getting recommendations from other women with skin similar to yours. Remember though that just because a particular product works for someone else does not necessarily mean that it will work for you. One thing you can be sure of though is that it is pretty hard to go wrong with an aloe vera based moisturizer. Aloe Vera can heal damaged skin, moisturize, and even provide some anti aging benefits as well. Plus it doesn’t dry out the skin like water based moisturizers do...and it should go without saying that dry skin is much more prone to wrinkles than hydrated, moisturized skin.
The benefits of Aloe Vera are endless and no matter what type of skin you have, you should be able to enjoy the benefits of this all natural ingredient that was discovered more than 3,500 years ago and that is still being used today. An Aloe Vera based moisturizer can help give you healthier, more beautiful skin no matter what kind of skin you have and no matter how much sun damage you have.
Be sure to read the label before buying any moisturizer cream and always, always, always demand an Aloe Vera based moisturizer.
Do you hate fine lines?
Do you hate wrinkles?
Do you hate sun spots?
Do you have old acne scars to get rid of?
Do you want to feel beautiful again?
An Aloe Vera based moisturizer cream just may be the way to go and due to its healing properties, Aloe Vera should be something you look for in any skin care moisturizer cream.
Articles Healthy On Women
by: Shelley Stile
There is no single more powerful stumbling block to moving beyond our divorce into a new life than the inability to accept our new reality. Acceptance is the hardest part of the divorce recovery process. Acceptance requires total honesty, courage and the willingness to let go of the life that we had...a life that no longer exists. Without that acceptance, we cannot move forward and create a new life.
How does one learn acceptance? Although it takes time and a good deal of inner work, it can be done. Here is a step-by-step guide to move you towards acceptance:
1) It’s about you, not them.
One of the most powerful lessons in life is the knowledge that we have control over one person and one person only…ourselves. If you are looking outside of yourself to move forward, you won’t. We can’t change anyone but ourselves. We have power over no one except ourselves. It is when we turn inward and do the work on ourselves that we will be able to effect dramatic and positive changes in our lives.
Being a victim means giving away all control and power. If I blame someone else for my situation, then I am powerless to do anything about it as I have chosen to absolve myself of any responsibility.
We can create changes that will make out lives better but not until we stop trying to change our ex or our current reality and we realize that it’s about us, not them.
2) Get support.
If you think you can do this all by yourself you may be in for a big surprise. Research consistently shows that getting support in any challenging endeavor leads to more success. Whether you choose a divorce support group, a therapist, a member of the clergy or a Life Coach, just do it.
If you are one of the those people who think that you have to handle life’s challenges on your own because somehow you equate support with weakness, get over it! Getting support is a sign of intelligence as far as I’m concerned as well as an indication that you really are serious about moving onward in life.
3) First, you must get through the initial stages of loss that includes denial, grief, anger, depression and whatever else you might be feeling early in the divorce process.
These emotions are all natural and necessary states that we need to experience. They are the norm versus the exception. Each one of these feelings needs to be embraced and experienced fully. There must be an ending before a new beginning.
There is a difference between fully experiencing an emotional stage and getting stuck in it. Beware excessive self-pity and real depression. Here is where support becomes important to your well-being and improvement.
4) Distinguish between facts and interpretations.
I cannot stress the importance of this step enough. People get stuck when they cannot face the facts and prefer to believe that their personal interpretations are reality.
You might be familiar with the exercise of the picture that has a hidden image within it. Ten people may come up with ten different interpretations of the picture. Some people will see the hidden image immediately and others will never see it until it is pointed out to them. Either way, the hidden picture exists. It is a fact.
You may feel that you have been mentally abused and yet your partner may feel that you are the one that is abusive. He said, she said. Probably a counselor will see a totally different picture altogether. You know, there’s your side, his side and then the truth.
Once you are truthful with yourself and can see the facts versus the drama or story of your divorce, you will be on your way to acceptance.
5) Be brutally honest and take responsibility for your marriage, divorce and life.
Those of us who can be totally honest with ourselves will receive the gift of a deep awareness of who and what we are along with the ability to accept our lives as they are without looking to blame someone else. Being honest allows us to see things that hadn’t existed for us before. The truth will indeed set you free. By setting aside our egos, we can look at our life for what it actually is versus a story about our divorce.
Once we have been honest and have embraced all the facts about our divorce, we are free to accept full responsibility for our lives. Responsibility is power and the freedom to choose what we want next in life. If we cannot take responsibility, we remain victims and victims absolve themselves of both their responsibility and therefore the power to control their own lives.
6) Learn the difference between what is and what you think should be.
If we are living in a netherland of what we think should be, we are completely cut off from reality or ‘what is’. If you think that you should not have to be experiencing divorce, then you cannot accept what is…that you are indeed getting divorced. You live in a world of your own.
We all create a list of should be’s that keep us stuck in the status quo: I should be happier, I should be getting more support, I shouldn’t have to work, and I should still be married. By concentrating on what we should be, we ignore what actually exists for us and remain stuck.
I think we should live in a world where peace is the predominant ethic but we don’t live in that world. That’s a dream I have. By acknowledging the world as it truly exists, I can make choices as to how I will live my life and also how to address the problems that do exist.
7) Consider the emotional wounds that you brought to the marriage.
Your ex may complain that you were not a warm person. I doubt that it was your marriage that created a cold person, if indeed that is what you are. We bring ourselves into our marriages and the parts of us that show up and create issues are the parts of us that we haven’t addressed yet. They are emotional wounds from somewhere in our past and they have a tendency to pop-up in our close relationships or when we are faced with challenging times.
Now is your chance to address those wounds and heal them so that you do not repeat your so-called mistakes again. Use your divorce as a catalyst to go inside and heal yourself.
8) Release toxic emotions.
Get rid of the debilitating toxic emotions that you are carrying around. Picture them as heavy baggage that keeps you stuck in your misery and produces a broken back. Anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment, rage…these are all toxic emotions that will harm you far more than your ex. You are the one who pays the price. You need to work through them and then release them because they will weigh you down for the rest of your life if you allow it.
Once you have done the work of truth versus interpretations and what is versus what should be, you will find it much easier to give up your anger and resentment. They do not serve you and you are learning to give away anything that does not serve you well.
9) Learn forgiveness for yourself and your mate.
You might not be able to practice forgiveness in the early stages of the journey to recovery but if you go through these other steps, you will be able to forigive your ex and more importantly, yourself. Forgiveness takes a big load off your shoulders. It releases energy that can be used for positive things.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean you condone bad behavior, it simply means you forgive. If we separate the person from the behavior it becomes easier to forgive. You know that just because you sometimes say mean things it does not mean you are a bad person. Just a lapse in judgment. We are not necessarily our behavior. We know all the subconscious motivations that exist within every individual. If we look at the inner child within a person, forgiveness is a given.
10) Make conscious decisions; utilize free choice.
When you do the inner work of divorce recovery, you tend to attend to many things that have been left unresolved for years. You become more conscious of your actions and your choices. You become aware of the subconscious and how it can run your life. When you learn to observe the constant mind chatter that goes on inside your heads, you learn that the mind chatter is not us, its just chatter.
Making conscious decisions based in free choice means that we are not letting our mind chatter, our past, our emotional wounds or our interpretations of reality run the show. We take control of our lives. Conscious living allows for incredible freedom and the ability to create extraordinary changes.
And your bonus tip:
11) Find the gifts of your divorce.
Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are (warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has survived divorce and has gone on to create a and vibrant life based upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a good whack on the head to awaken us to life’s possibilities and our own happiness.
It’s the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true. Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce.
Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower, the work that has takes place underneath the surface of the ground, invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you see the outer rewards.
There is no single more powerful stumbling block to moving beyond our divorce into a new life than the inability to accept our new reality. Acceptance is the hardest part of the divorce recovery process. Acceptance requires total honesty, courage and the willingness to let go of the life that we had...a life that no longer exists. Without that acceptance, we cannot move forward and create a new life.
How does one learn acceptance? Although it takes time and a good deal of inner work, it can be done. Here is a step-by-step guide to move you towards acceptance:
1) It’s about you, not them.
One of the most powerful lessons in life is the knowledge that we have control over one person and one person only…ourselves. If you are looking outside of yourself to move forward, you won’t. We can’t change anyone but ourselves. We have power over no one except ourselves. It is when we turn inward and do the work on ourselves that we will be able to effect dramatic and positive changes in our lives.
Being a victim means giving away all control and power. If I blame someone else for my situation, then I am powerless to do anything about it as I have chosen to absolve myself of any responsibility.
We can create changes that will make out lives better but not until we stop trying to change our ex or our current reality and we realize that it’s about us, not them.
2) Get support.
If you think you can do this all by yourself you may be in for a big surprise. Research consistently shows that getting support in any challenging endeavor leads to more success. Whether you choose a divorce support group, a therapist, a member of the clergy or a Life Coach, just do it.
If you are one of the those people who think that you have to handle life’s challenges on your own because somehow you equate support with weakness, get over it! Getting support is a sign of intelligence as far as I’m concerned as well as an indication that you really are serious about moving onward in life.
3) First, you must get through the initial stages of loss that includes denial, grief, anger, depression and whatever else you might be feeling early in the divorce process.
These emotions are all natural and necessary states that we need to experience. They are the norm versus the exception. Each one of these feelings needs to be embraced and experienced fully. There must be an ending before a new beginning.
There is a difference between fully experiencing an emotional stage and getting stuck in it. Beware excessive self-pity and real depression. Here is where support becomes important to your well-being and improvement.
4) Distinguish between facts and interpretations.
I cannot stress the importance of this step enough. People get stuck when they cannot face the facts and prefer to believe that their personal interpretations are reality.
You might be familiar with the exercise of the picture that has a hidden image within it. Ten people may come up with ten different interpretations of the picture. Some people will see the hidden image immediately and others will never see it until it is pointed out to them. Either way, the hidden picture exists. It is a fact.
You may feel that you have been mentally abused and yet your partner may feel that you are the one that is abusive. He said, she said. Probably a counselor will see a totally different picture altogether. You know, there’s your side, his side and then the truth.
Once you are truthful with yourself and can see the facts versus the drama or story of your divorce, you will be on your way to acceptance.
5) Be brutally honest and take responsibility for your marriage, divorce and life.
Those of us who can be totally honest with ourselves will receive the gift of a deep awareness of who and what we are along with the ability to accept our lives as they are without looking to blame someone else. Being honest allows us to see things that hadn’t existed for us before. The truth will indeed set you free. By setting aside our egos, we can look at our life for what it actually is versus a story about our divorce.
Once we have been honest and have embraced all the facts about our divorce, we are free to accept full responsibility for our lives. Responsibility is power and the freedom to choose what we want next in life. If we cannot take responsibility, we remain victims and victims absolve themselves of both their responsibility and therefore the power to control their own lives.
6) Learn the difference between what is and what you think should be.
If we are living in a netherland of what we think should be, we are completely cut off from reality or ‘what is’. If you think that you should not have to be experiencing divorce, then you cannot accept what is…that you are indeed getting divorced. You live in a world of your own.
We all create a list of should be’s that keep us stuck in the status quo: I should be happier, I should be getting more support, I shouldn’t have to work, and I should still be married. By concentrating on what we should be, we ignore what actually exists for us and remain stuck.
I think we should live in a world where peace is the predominant ethic but we don’t live in that world. That’s a dream I have. By acknowledging the world as it truly exists, I can make choices as to how I will live my life and also how to address the problems that do exist.
7) Consider the emotional wounds that you brought to the marriage.
Your ex may complain that you were not a warm person. I doubt that it was your marriage that created a cold person, if indeed that is what you are. We bring ourselves into our marriages and the parts of us that show up and create issues are the parts of us that we haven’t addressed yet. They are emotional wounds from somewhere in our past and they have a tendency to pop-up in our close relationships or when we are faced with challenging times.
Now is your chance to address those wounds and heal them so that you do not repeat your so-called mistakes again. Use your divorce as a catalyst to go inside and heal yourself.
8) Release toxic emotions.
Get rid of the debilitating toxic emotions that you are carrying around. Picture them as heavy baggage that keeps you stuck in your misery and produces a broken back. Anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment, rage…these are all toxic emotions that will harm you far more than your ex. You are the one who pays the price. You need to work through them and then release them because they will weigh you down for the rest of your life if you allow it.
Once you have done the work of truth versus interpretations and what is versus what should be, you will find it much easier to give up your anger and resentment. They do not serve you and you are learning to give away anything that does not serve you well.
9) Learn forgiveness for yourself and your mate.
You might not be able to practice forgiveness in the early stages of the journey to recovery but if you go through these other steps, you will be able to forigive your ex and more importantly, yourself. Forgiveness takes a big load off your shoulders. It releases energy that can be used for positive things.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean you condone bad behavior, it simply means you forgive. If we separate the person from the behavior it becomes easier to forgive. You know that just because you sometimes say mean things it does not mean you are a bad person. Just a lapse in judgment. We are not necessarily our behavior. We know all the subconscious motivations that exist within every individual. If we look at the inner child within a person, forgiveness is a given.
10) Make conscious decisions; utilize free choice.
When you do the inner work of divorce recovery, you tend to attend to many things that have been left unresolved for years. You become more conscious of your actions and your choices. You become aware of the subconscious and how it can run your life. When you learn to observe the constant mind chatter that goes on inside your heads, you learn that the mind chatter is not us, its just chatter.
Making conscious decisions based in free choice means that we are not letting our mind chatter, our past, our emotional wounds or our interpretations of reality run the show. We take control of our lives. Conscious living allows for incredible freedom and the ability to create extraordinary changes.
And your bonus tip:
11) Find the gifts of your divorce.
Everything that occurs in our lives and everything that we are (warts and all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to someone who has survived divorce and has gone on to create a and vibrant life based upon their own passions and values, they will certainly tell you that their divorce was the best thing that happened to them. That may not be true for you but there is a gift waiting for you to find. My ex likes to say that he is responsible for my new career and to a certain extent he has played a part. Oftentimes it takes a good whack on the head to awaken us to life’s possibilities and our own happiness.
It’s the old adage: Every cloud has a silver lining. It is true. Search for the gifts of your divorce and it becomes yet another step toward a successful recovery from the trauma of divorce.
Successful divorce recovery takes inner work. Much like a flower, the work that has takes place underneath the surface of the ground, invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that subterranean work, there would be no flower. The reward of the flower is dependent upon the inner work of the seed and the root system. It is the same with humans. Do the inner work and you see the outer rewards.
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